I’ve neglected writing, finishing writing, spending time and nurturing my ideas and stories. I think this all goes hand in hand with motivation and procrastination, but the underlying haunting of it all is fear.
I know underneath all my excuses is my own ego trying to insulate myself from criticism and peering eyes; afraid people will misunderstand you or see you in the “wrong” light.
The vulnerability that goes hand-in-hand with writing is terrifying and to hide that insecurity, I make excuses. I start things and then almost immediately fall short of my goals because: “I’m busy”, “I’m exhausted”, “Its too time consuming”, “I’m just not in the mood today” and about 15 other varieties of these excuses. It’s scary to start screaming into the void. I have these mixed feeling of wanting to be heard but being afraid to be seen.
I read something recently about listening to your heart. And I never really thought about it this way before, but under the mask of fear, I’ve really just been avoiding, ignoring what my heart is calling me to do .
How can we expect other people to care about what we have to say when we’re constantly ignoring our own voice.
Any lingering unhappiness I’ve ever felt has been when I’ve made a persistent effort to do what I think is right in the name of practicality. My head is always trying to tell me to do that stable thing, the safe thing, the thing that won’t put me at any risk, but when I’m actually in tune with myself I can hear the faint hum of my heart - asking me to get closer to the edge of vulnerability; asking me to put myself out there and know whatever happens - it'll be okay, I’ll be fine, I’m resilient and I owe it to myself to make choices that open me up - that crack my heart open [to the world].
Because that is the best part of me. That is the best part of all of us.
So lead with your heart and I’ll pledge to do the same.
Starting out small and working my way up, I’ll be posting once a week, either here or on instagram. I’ll be diving back into old writings I’ve never finished and taking time nature new ones.
So if you’re reading this - thank you. It helps to have your views hold me accountable.
xx - Brittany
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